Finding Joy In The Chaos

Let's get real. Being a mom is hard.

It's screaming fits in public. It's teething for a year straight.
 It's catapulting pancake pieces across the kitchen. {Oh, your kids don't do that?}

It's everything I never imagined it would be. and... luckily, it's

EVERYTHING I NEVER IMAGINED IT WOULD BE.

Recently I was reminded of a quote about the "4 things you can never get back"

The STONE after it's thrown.

The WORD after it's said.

The OCCASION after it's missed.

and the TIME after it's gone.

I struggle with joyful times as a parent. What I mean is, I almost always
 ruin that amazing, breathtakingly beautiful moment with my child when he
 reaches a milestone or does something hilarious, or when he just runs up and
wraps his arms around my neck.

I enjoy it, I do.... for a moment. And then the realization sets in deeper that before
 I know it, he won't want to blow me these kisses anymore. He won't be small
 enough for me to scoop up and tickle, and some day, I will no longer be the most
 important woman in his life anymore. It's just reality. So instead of getting to
 stretch out these joyful times with laughter and big smiles on our faces, I turn
 into a pile of goo with tears streaming down my face and before I even know
 it, I'm gripping on to my kid like a leach repeating please don't grow up,
 please don't grow up over and over again.

Ugh. It's a pathetic sight. Believe me.

But moms, the thing we need to realize is, they ARE going to grow up.
There's nothing we can do about THAT.

What we CAN do something about, is finding so much joy in the everyday
 chaos so that we get the very most out of the time we are given with
 these precious little gifts.

If you would have asked me as a newlywed how I would feel about pancake
 pieces with syrup on my kitchen floor, I would have shuttered at the
 thought. Ha! Not in my immaculately kept home. {or so it was in some
parallel universe called my imagination} But I've found that as a mom, you just
 can't worry about those things. If you do, before you know it, you are running
 to grab a wet cloth all while scolding your child and drowning out the sound
 of his laughter and missing the big beautiful smile on his face. Do I mean
 not to teach him table manners? Well, of course not. If your child catapults
 food at every sitting, I'd say it's probably lesson time. But if this is a one time
thing and you can find it within yourself to play along for just a minute, I urge
 you to find the joy in it.

I use this as an example because it happened this morning. As I was teaching my
 son how to hold the spoon and put the pancake in his mouth, he grabbed a
 hold of the end of the spoon, pulled it down with all his might and let go -
 causing the pancake to rocket across the room. My eyes got big and my
 mouth opened wide and he started laughing the sweetest laugh I've ever
 heard in my life. My first reaction was to say "No, Connor!" in my annoyed
 tone and get up to grab the flying shrapnel off of the side of the cabinet.
But I remembered part of the quote I had heard days before - the things
 you can't get back ... and that moment, was something that I could
never be given again. 

-So I embraced it.-

I laughed and laughed with him. I took another piece of pancake and shot it
 over his head. He died laughing. He kicked his legs in his little highchair
 and snorted. Sure, I might have a mess to clean up later. I might have to
 make one more pancake so that he has enough to eat. And no, he will
 never remember that fun morning with Momma when we
 shot pancakes across the kitchen, ...

BUT I WILL.

Yesterday we had to run some errands at the mall for a wedding I am
 in this weekend. I was a little nervous about how the day would go because
 I knew it would take me some time to find all of the things I needed,
and though my son is probably the friendliest kid I've ever seen - saying
 'Hi' and waving to everyone we pass and even blowing kisses to complete
strangers - he is still only one, and he still gets tired and irritable. 

We just made the most of it. I tried to find joy in the chaos all day, despite
 how tiring and stressful and hectic it all was. Though I needed to pick up
 most of these things for adults, I vowed not to make the day just about
 me while I had "a child inconveniently tagging along". We played in the
 fire trucks and cars. We met the Easter Bunny. We took photos in the
 photo booth. We ate lunch together and shared a fruit cup.

I could have just run in on a mission, got what I needed, shushed my
child with every person we passed and headed back home. It probably
would have been easier. But instead, we made memories.

It wasn't anything special. It hardly took any effort. But it was one of the
best days of my life. I know that's going to sound odd to some. Especially
 those whose lives are so exciting and adventurous and magical and don't
 include snotty noses and green beans spit into your hand.

So my advice to every mother-to-be or momma whose baby is still little
and has yet to learn to walk and talk and get into literally
 everything they see ....

Is to take a deep breath. To find joy in every moment.

 It's going to be a lot of work. You're going to have to do more physical
 labor than you want. You're probably going to break a sweat more
 than you hoped. You'll have to repeat the same silly things or
annoying songs over and over again just for a half of a smile.
 It means taking a detour on your shopping trips to let your kids
 just be kids. It means cleaning your kitchen (and your entire
house for that matter) more than you expected. And moms,
we're going to HAVE to get off of the internet and our cell
 phones. We're going to have to get off of Pinterest, and
Facebook, and Twitter, and Instagram, and our email, and our text
 messages and all of the other things that distract us during the day
 when our kids aren't napping and we should
be playing with and teaching them.

We aren't guaranteed another child. I think about that every day.
 And we surely aren't guaranteed another day with our little one.
This is the only one we're certain of. So I suggest we make the most of it.
We embrace the mess. We find joy in the chaos.

We send our children into their futures, knowing they are valued and loved.

...and if that means I have to clean up a few pancakes ... bring it on.

Children are the living messages we send
to a time we will not see.  ~Neil Postman

Keep in the sunlight.

Some of your hurts you have cured,
And the sharpest you still have survived,
But what torments of grief you endured
From the evil which never arrived.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson


I am an anxious person.

And that might be the understatement of the century.

I've gotten a lot better than I used to be, but I still over-analyze everything. And I'm a people pleaser. If I tell someone that I will be there at 4pm and I'm running 5 minutes late, I stress about it. If I playfully make a joke and the other person doesn't laugh, I wonder if they are upset with me. If I didn't order those two shirts that were on my to do list, I can't sleep wondering if my volunteers are going to be disappointed.

It's awful, really.

The worst part is that I usually tend to stress out about things before they even happen. I know it physically takes a toll me. And it really can't be good for the soul. I mean, I know it is good to want to be someone that people can count on, someone that always has the right things to say ... but stress and anxiety can also steal your heart away from God.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:6-7

It was easy when we were kids, remember?

My days consisted of playing Legos with my brother, eating candy, and swallowing myself in stuffed animals on my bed when it was time to go to sleep. We didn't have things like bills, and jobs, and... well, REAL LIFE to worry about. All we had were big dreams.

But I've thought about it long and hard this weekend. And I've realized that all worry and anxiety is, ... is the reflection of lack of trust I must have in God and his plan. And the thought of that, is a lot harder to swallow than disappointing a volunteer, being late on a bill, or accidentally hurting someone's feelings.
I don't trust God enough.

I'm really ashamed.

Especially because of the fact that I'm not doing this alone. Not only do a have an amazing husband supporting me, a great family and some of the best friends, but I have comforting words from God himself that I am supposed to take to heart, but never have.

“An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up.”
-Proverbs 12:25

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”
-1 Peter 5:6-7

“Then Jesus said to his disciples: ‘Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?”
-Luke 12:22-26

“Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.”
-Psalm 42:5


So from this point on, I'm finished with stress and anxiety. I DO trust that God will provide for me and take care of me. I realize that sometimes in life I will disappoint people, I won't always have the right things to say, my job won't always be easy, and I won't be able to finish the laundry and cook a healthy meal when I get home from one of my late night meetings.
But tomorrow will still come.

People that truly care about me will always be in my life, my volunteers will understand that I try my best, and my sweet husband ... bless his heart, fortunately, he doesn't mind eating pop tarts and jalapeno chips for dinner a couple of nights a month when I'm not here. :)

This time, I have a feeling, will be a success.

This time, I'm not just getting rid of my stress and anxiety for my own health, to make my life easier, to be a good example to our children someday, or so that I can sleep easier. Though all of those sound really good...

This time, I'm getting rid of it in order to show how much
I trust my God.

Because anyone who has any faith in God, has no reason to worry.

Life can be a lot like the weather.

For so long, things have been perfect. You know, the temperature is great, the sunshine on your face. You couldn't ask for anything better. And most days, because you are so used to seeing the sunshine and feeling the warm breeze, you find yourself taking it for granted. Yesterday was beautiful, today was beautiful, ... tomorrow will be too.

And maybe some of us are pretty prepared for when the clouds start to move in. I know I was. I felt the sprinkles on my head and I didn't panic. One by one they hit me. Big ones. Little ones. Maybe the first one was a common cold. Not a problem! And the second, the second was an extra bill that we had to pay, the third was a trip for my job, then a little lump that Adam feels in his neck. These are all tiny sprinkles that I can handle without an umbrella.

Who me? No, I won't melt.

Before I know it, these drops will stop and the sun will be out again.

But it always works the same.
The next thing you know the sprinkles aren't sprinkles anymore.

And when it rains, it pours.

I can tell you one thing,

I wasn't prepared this time.

I listen to the sound of huge water drops beating on the top of my only hope of sanctuary.
They sound as if they get larger and larger and fall faster and harder.

The surgery.

The doctor visits.

Falling behind at work.

A friend has a miscarriage.

My husband's car breaks down for the 3rd time.

MAKE IT STOP!

But it doesn't. It continues to fall.

It seems like it takes only a few minutes to forget what the sun even felt like on your face, or
 the last time that you've seen it. Your shoes? They're wet from all the puddles. Each one you try
 to step over but you never quite make it.

Some are shallow but very long.

The refrigerator is leaking again.

You caught a volunteer on a bad day.

You didn't get invited to that get together.

Those are mostly puddles made from the drops that hit your umbrella and roll off of your back.

That's what they do.

They roll off your back.

Oh but some, some puddles are deep and very hard to get over.

The diagnosis of Cancer.

A broken friendship that you just can't seem to mend.

Not knowing how you will pay your medical bills.

Listening to a friend who thinks her marriage is over.

And finally you grow so tired of leaping and dodging them all,

you just decide to sit down in them.

But that's what makes it so sweet.

You know, that day that you wake up and take a deep breath. You realize that you aren't
 going to see the sun. Not today. And you're ok with it. You cuddle up closer to the man of your
dreams and watch him as he's sleeping. You think about how strong he is. And what an example he is for those with no hope. You get out of bed and walk into the kitchen for breakfast. Open the
 refrigerator door to a big block of ice that is leaking out of the bottom and under your feet.

And you laugh.

You turn to the counter to find two envelopes there. In one, is a card from a friend with love
 and selflessness inside. "Let me know if you need anything" written at the bottom. The other is a
 card from a volunteer and her church congregation,she got the entire Bible Class to sign it with get
well wishes. And that makes you think about what all your church congregation has done for you.

And you smile.

You finish breakfast and grab your keys and phone to head outside. But your phone rings.
And it is your dad calling to let you know that they want to bring the extra car from the house for you to borrow until your husband gets a new one. Someone beeps in, and you switch to the sound
 of the sweetest voice, your best friend calling to tell you about the baby boy that you will meet in only a couple of weeks.

And you start to cry.

Prepared for whatever lies outside that front door, you grab the door handle and
open it with confidence. Prepared for rain.

And that is when you see it.

Beautiful Snow.

Just like today.

Time is Precious...

As some of you may know, we got the privilege of stopping by Graceland on our way home from Chicago two weeks ago. It was a really cool experience, but at the same time, it got me thinking about a lot of things. It is an incredibly sad story about a man that the world loved, yet, nobody truly loved him. It is a story about what is most important in life. But more than anything, it is a story about how precious time is.

None of us are guaranteed a tomorrow, and yet, I am puzzled by how we have the realization of this truth, and still none of us live as though we believe it. I have heard stories of men who have been pardoned on death row, and have prayed to God - "God, if you just let me out of this, I will change my life for you." But oddly enough, at the glimpse of the outside world again, their hearts are molded back into a man that is invincible and forget all about how close they came to death.

Even me, someone who has witnessed close friends of mine killed in car wrecks in high school, my brothers best friend pass away suddenly at the young age of 28 because of heart failure, and has watched many loved ones leave us too soon. And I still somewhere in my heart, believe that I will have a future. I imagine how I will be as a mother, and even as a grandmother some day. But what if I don't make it that far? I know that it is a possibility, but I don't think I live like it. And by that, I don't mean as a Christian, devoting my life to God. I mean how I spend my time. How I tell people how much I love them. I started to think about how I would want to spend my last day on this earth. Would I have enough time to hug everyone I wanted to? Could I make a difference in the lives of others in one day? And then the scariest question...

why am I not already trying?

So I am curious....

If you knew you had only one day left on this earth, how would YOU spend it?

xoxo

The Road To Wisdom...

"Personally, I am always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught."

- Winston Churchill

These last two months have truly been a learning experience for me. Thanks to people I have met through my job, friends, family, and a few others along the way, I am able to look back and make some positive changes in myself. That is a great feeling. A lot of times we fight change. It is such an uncomfortable feeling. But I can't deny that I've got a lot to learn about life and myself and so I gladly welcome the chance to listen to words of wisdom, and also use words that are not so kind to learn as well. These are some of the lessons that the hearts of others have taught me recently:
*

That I feel incredibly blessed to have the family that I do.
*

That there is an unexplainable relief and comfort of a true friendship where you never have to weigh your thoughts or measure your words. You can just pour them all out, as they come from your heart, and be certain that a faithful friend will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and throw the rest away.
*

That if you really want people to know what is important to you, how you spend your time says it all.
*

That no one is an expert on you, except you.
*

That a high five from a child, or a sweet note from a volunteer can make my day.
*

That it's hard to determine where to draw the line between not hurting people's feelings and standing up for what you believe to be right.
*

That trust is something you must have for the people who are close to you in life.
*

That Adam is the perfect balance to everything I am, and that we make a great team.
*

That I might not be who I ought to be or hope to be yet, but thanks be to God that I am not who I was.
*

That I most often make progress
in
the
hard
times.
*

That hugging a 6 yr old with cancer can give you a completely new perspective on life.
*

That there is a huge difference in wanting to help someone be a better person because you care about them, and trying to just find fault in them or what they write because it makes you feel better about yourself.
*

That sometimes silence is the best answer.
*

That a beautiful life does not just happen, it is built daily by prayer, humility, sacrifice and love.
*

That things sure look differently when you are finally on the outside looking in.
*

That a goodnight kiss from my husband can heal a bad day.
*

That it is better to be honest about your feelings than to put on a smile and be a liar.
*

That not everyone is going to have the same opinion as you when it comes to
art
music
sports
etc.

You have to learn to accept that and not take it personally.
*

That just because it is not the popular decision, doesn't mean that it is not the right one.
*

That some people are just going to hate that you have a great life. That is their issue. Not yours.
*

That you CAN make a living doing what you love.
*

That you should always acknowledge your shortcomings and work hard to improve them.
*

That the things you take for granted are usually the most valuable.
*

That it is much easier for a man to preach 100 sermons, than it is for him to LIVE ONE.

 

Pray for Your Spouse

Often in marriage when something goes wrong or an argument sparks, husbands and wives want to blame the other party rather than taking responsibility for their own actions. We point the finger and use statements like - "well if you wouldn't do ____ I wouldn't get so annoyed by you." or "its your fault for being so unapproachable." It seems that more times than not we accuse the other person of creating our feelings and actions instead of owning up to what we have said or done. We fail to use honesty in times when it is most needed to build trust because we are afraid of the reaction of our spouses. "Well, I lied to you because I knew if I told you, you would get angry ... and see..?? I was right!!" The ironic part is that most of the hurt and betrayal that a spouse might feel in this scenario is created because of the lie and deceit and not the initial action. We sin against God and our spouses in order to avoid hurt feelings. This should not be so. Honesty is something that God desires from us. "Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body."(Ephesians 4:25) If our spouses react inappropriately when we tell them the truth, that is between them and God. But if we try to avoid that reaction by telling a lie or being deceitful, we have now sinned against God and our spouse. Hurt feelings of a spouse often cause us to be defensive and put up a wall. So we want to avoid them as much as possible. Especially if we have a spouse that wears their feelings on their sleeve. But the point of my blog today is to tell you that we are responsible for our own actions and a spouse being upset or disappointed in you is not sinful in itself, but being dishonest is. What exactly is honesty, you may ask? Fairness and straightforwardness of conduct, not withholding any form of truth, sincerity, and freedom from deceit or fraud.

Especially in marriage, telling the truth when you are afraid of the reaction, proves integrity and that you will be honest with your spouse no matter what the outcome. This builds trust in the marriage and humbles hearts to want to forgive. If someone does something to hurt you, and then hides what they have done to deceive you, then they are offending you twice, not to mention offending God. But if someone does something to hurt you, and then has the courage to tell you what they have done, you are only offending them once. And one offence is much easier to forgive than two. Especially if one of those offenses is dishonesty.

Who are we fooling when we are dishonest with our spouses?? Only ourselves. God knows the hearts of men and watches every wrong choice that we make snowball into bigger problems in our marriages. "Jesus, knowing their thoughts, said, "Why do you think evil in your hearts?" (Matthew 9:4) So here is what I challenge you to do. If you struggle with being honest with your spouse because you are afraid of getting them upset or hurting their feelings, and because of that fear, you hide things from them or are dishonest with them .... Pray for your Spouse....and be honest. It is the most logical solution, and one that will ultimately please God.

First, pray for yourself.

Your heart must be clean before God in order for you to see good results. If you have resentment, anger, an ungodly attitude, or are unforgiving, even if there's good reason for it, you'll have a difficult time seeing answers to your prayers. If you have a long history of lying to your spouse and then getting angry and defensive when they find out, pray that God and your spouse might forgive you. If you can confess and repent of those feelings to God in total honesty, and then move into prayer, there is nothing that can change a marriage more dramatically.

Pray for your spouse's relationship with God.
Pray that your spouse would know God, trust God and remain in Him. Pray that their reaction to the truths that you think might hurt them, will be taken lightly and humbled by your heart and your intention to please God. Your spouse is an imperfect human. Jesus says in John 15:5, "I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me, and I in him, he bears much fruit; for apart from Me you can do nothing." Nothing means that without Jesus, your spouse can't be patient, unconditionally love you, nor be the man/woman you need. Rather than getting angry about a spouse's weakness, especially one they are working on, pray for them.

Pray for your spouse's forgiveness of your weaknesses

Pray for God to help them to balance mercy, judgment and instruction the way Jesus does. Though God requires obedience, He is quick to acknowledge a repentant heart. Pray for your spouse to practice mercy and forgiveness because you are going to tell all faults in honesty. Pray for understanding from your spouse that telling the truth and having hurt feelings is much better than lying.

Pray for your spouse's heart
Pray that they will trust in the Lord, with all their heart, acknowledge Him in all their ways, and not to lean on their own understanding. Ask God to direct them in wise choices. Pray that they will let Gods peace rule in their heart as Gods word dwells in them, so that by the example of their confidence in Him, they may teach others with all wisdom and with gratitude in their heart to God. Pray that no root of bitterness grows in their heart and causes trouble in your marriage. Pray for your spouse to not get their feelings hurt so easily, but also remember in that, to pray a prayer of thanks to God for giving your spouse that tender heart which may be the reason behind their compassion, forgiveness, and love.

Pray for your spouse's eyes

Pray for them to keep their eyes firmly fixed on the Lord and open for spiritual danger, to be spiritually alert, stand firm in the faith, and be courageous and strong. Pray for your spouse to clearly discern what is best, so that they may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ. Pray that God grants them the Spirit of wisdom and revelation to enlighten their heart, so that they may know God better and reflect his love in daily practical ways.

Remember, even one person praying can impact a marriage. So before you blame your faults on your spouse, or are quick to offend your spouse and God with lies and deceit, pray for the strength to be honest and for a humble and merciful reaction from your spouse. Pray for their weaknesses that they may be able to overcome them with the love of God and your love as well. If you feel like your spouse has a weakness that causes them to get their feelings hurt easily, demonstrate love to them with understanding and prayer. Remember these weaknesses in your choices and that you may be the only help that they have to get stronger. And most of all, remember that you are not responsible for someone else's reaction to what you tell them, but you are responsible for your own sin. Humble yourself in all situations to be the person that owns their actions and that can hold their head up high and say I handled this in such a way that God would be pleased!

07.07.08

Today started out as a normal day, I guess. I got up and went to work. Things were pretty slow here at the P.D., but as I left for lunch, I passed something on the road that changed my view on this day. I saw the brake lights of the little red nissan in front of me and I slowed down almost to a complete stop. As the nissan proceeded to pull off the side of the road, I began to wonder what might be wrong. But looking forward to the road, I noticed red and blue lights coming toward me. My first thought was that someone was being pulled over, or maybe there had been a wreck in the distance. I kept driving slowly wondering if I should follow the lead of the red car in front of me. Then I realized what was ahead.



It was a funeral.



And as I pulled off of the road, I watched as face after face drove by. A sadness came over me. I thought about how those people must be feeling, losing someone that they care about so much. I've been there and I no how it feels. For a moment I thought about how I have felt, losing people that I've loved. And I thought about how people in my life might feel when losing me. I thought about Adam, and how his life might be without me. And as sad as this might sound ... it was my next thought that opened my eyes: The thought of how I will feel on that day. As the last few cars drove by and I pulled back on the road, my thoughts were lost in a sea of devastated faces.



On the day that I die, it will no longer matter what I have said. It will no longer matter who is missing me, who has loved me, and who did or did not show up to my funeral. To them, yes, it might matter, but to me ... it will not. On the day that I die, the only thing that matters will be if I have loved the Lord, my God, above everything else. And the only thing that will matter to the lives of many people will be if I have told them about the Gospel. My desire above all else, is to look my Savior in the eye someday. To fall to my knees. To wash His feet with my hair and tears. To hear Him say "well done." The next thought to cross my mind was the realization of just how far I am from what I believe a Christian who takes up their cross to follow Him would be like. Have I truly denied myself? Do I love God above all things and my neighbor as myself? And if it was my funeral precession coming down the road today, would I be considered a faithful servant? Not because I think I have to win my way to Heaven, but because to show Him my love, .. well.. there is no other reason for my life. Oh God, I fall so short of all that You deserve.

Teach me to seek you,

and reveal yourself to me when I seek you.

For I cannot seek you unless you first teach me,

nor find you unless you first reveal yourself to me.

Let me seek you in longing,

and long for you in seeking.

Let me find you in love,

and love you in finding. Amen.